GRADEPOINTAVG
4.00
3.{digit}0
3.{digitnozero}{digit}
3.{digit}{digit}
3.{digit}{digit}
2.{digit}{digit}

HIGHSCHOOLAWARD
Grow Old and Die
Grow Fat and Bald
Succeed
Succeed... Then Fail
Fail
Get Drunk a Lot
Become an Alcoholic
Get Kicked by a Mule and Lose All Memory
Go to Jail
Become a Liar, Thief, and/or Lawyer
Flunk Out of College
Become a {#26-29} Year Old Grandparent
NOT Become US President
Live in this Podunk Town Until Death
Live in a Trailer Park
Overdose on Caffeine
Become a {#300-400} Pound Blimp
Continue to be a Pathetic Loser
Be Audited by the IRS

SILLYCONTEST
Cow Milking
Cow Tipping
Mud Wrestling
Limbo
Tic-Tac-Toe
Checkers
Easy Quiz Game
Macarena Dancing
Disco Dancing
Hog Calling
Bobbing-for-Apples
Loudest Belch
Hot Dog Eating
Stupid Human Tricks
Worst Actor
Most Annoying Voice
Bad Elvis Impersonation

RESUMEAVAILABILITY
right now
today
just as soon as I get fired from my current job
just as soon as I punch my current boss in the face and get fired
right after I take a two-week vacation and then serve notice to my current employer
real soon now
only because I'm required to search for a job to keep my welfare check coming in

RESUMEAVAILABILITY2
a major national corporation
an unsuccessful corporation desperate for qualified employees
a major corporation recently featured on "60 Minutes"
a Silicon Valley startup with a lucrative compensation package including lots of stock options
a Big Evil Corporation
a small-town employer
an unprofitable dotcom startup
any company that will actually look at this resume
a bureaucratic state or federal agency
a business with a solid health insurance plan that covers sex-change operations

RESUMEREFERENCE
{Careertech}, {Company}
{Careertech}, {Company}
{Careertech}, {Company}
{Careertech}, {Company}
drinking buddy from high school
best friend from high school
classmate from college
ex-spouse
parole officer
former co-worker
neighbor
my lawyer
{ordinal} cousin
acquaintance
college professor in {Collegemajortech} Dept.
high school teacher